Do you remember this? It has been 1 year ago today that Kyler was taken to Primary Children's. I know you guys are probably sick of me talking about this, but honestly- I think it has taken me an entire year to get over it. It is amazing how something like this affects you for the rest of your life. I can only imagine if we would have actually lost him. I still have images of him there and I think of all the scary things that happened, almost daily still. I just don't know how people ever get through worse things than this. Ya know, I don't know if I didn't realize how bad things were at the time, or if I didn't want to believe that they were as bad as they were at the time. With kids, I think we all have thought about what we would do if something horrible happened to our kid, and then all of the sudden I found myself right in the middle of it, almost as if I was watching an episode of ER, so detached from the situation. Does that sound cold? Or is it normal? Well I still remember in the ER when they started telling me he was really really sick, and they were going to take him to Primary's. I just kept thinking "well, it is just because he is so little and they want to be careful". Then I start seeing my nurse who has been a nurse for 20 years fumbling over her fingers. And then they tell me, we are going to intubate him (which by the way, I thought that meant sedate him... it doesn't, it means stick a tube down his throat because he can no longer breath on his own) So they say... Do you want to give him a kiss and leave the room. I think that is when I really thought- what is going on? So I leave the room and I start hearing the monitors beep saying that his oxygen levels are plummeting and I am standing there alone in the ER thinking "Is my baby dying..." That is when I felt like I was in ER, but it was a lot more sickening feeling, but still very detached. Kyler gave me many more scares like that. Two more while we were on lifeflight, and the nurses who are the best of the best in babies and babies with RSV look at each other and say "wow, that really got my heart going, he scared me!" and I just look out the window and say- oh wow. Needless to say I think I was in a state of shock for at least the next 2 days. That following tuesday I think I cried for almost two hours that morning after seeing him. The only way I can describe it is he looked like he had been beaten up the night before, he looked horrible. They had changed ventilators and put in his picc line and from what I found out later, they had doctors around his bed the entire night. I think after that I finally let myself start to realize what was going on. I never let myself think that he wasn't going to make it though, it was almost like if I thought it, then it might actually happen. Mom asked one of our nurses after Kyler had been there for two weeks and had a really rough day, she said to him "well he is going to make it, right?" and he just said "We don't know" and walked away. I kind of just brushed it off and said, "well mom- they have to say that" The wierd part is, I think I cried 10 times more after it was over then when it was all happening. I guess if you were a psychologist you could tell me why that is, especially since I am someone that cries over everything. I guess you never know until something like this happens to you though. I could probably write 20 pages on everything I went through. But I am glad today is Jan 27, 2009 and not 2008. It really does help for me to write about my experiences though, It makes me feel grateful for what I have today and be grateful for miracles in my life.
While cleaning up the basement after some little kids had decided to pull a bunch of my things out of the boxes downstairs I came across a folded piece of paper with Justin's writing on it, and it was "notes" from when Justin proposed to me. So I thought I would share it with you because we got such a kick out of it.
-Drive by Buzz field -Go to PF CHANG's -Walk by temple -go get iceburg -drive by the bay and country dance in parking lot!! -Go to Special Spot Blind fold her Have a blanket, Martinelli's, candles, and blue boar glasses Roses, Poem
Roses are Red Violets are blue and when I look into eternity all I see is you And when I first saw you, I knew that my dreams had come true, that there was a girl out there as beautiful as you. I never met a girl who has such high integrity and thinks about basketball just as much as me!! and although I'm not perfect, I want you to know, there is no one else out there that I want to be married to. And so with those few words, I want you to know- you made my wish come true there is something special I want to give to you...
All the places he listed had special meaning in our relationship, so that is why he chose all of those. I thought it was so cute though that he wrote notes so he wouldn't forget anything.
Today my little Madison is turning 3! I can't believe it, of course everyone thinks she is older than she is because she is so big, but she is finally three now! I get such a kick out of madison, she loves just to giggle. She loves wrestling and dressing up as a princess. I still fight her every day to put on real clothes and not a dress. She is such a joy to have around, she has the cutest smile and personality. She gives the best hugs too, she loves to wrap her little arms around you and lay her head on your shoulder. We love you Madi! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
So I have never been a big fan of New Years resolutions, but last night me and Justin were talking and he asked me what my goals are for this year, I couldn't really think of anything and justin wasn't too impressed so I have been thinking all day about what I want to accomplish this year and I came up with a few things. 1- finish house projects (put in yard and deck, clean basement, finish basement, organize my food storage) 2- Add more to my food storage and learn to cook with what i store 3- Smile more and get mad less 4- Give as much as I can to my church calling 5- Read scriptures with the kids more 6- Make dinner time more special for my family, by eating together at the table, and eating healthy home-cooked meals 7- Work out more(which should be easy to do since I can count on one hand the number of times i actually made it to aerobics) 8- Cut down my ice cream intake to only one half gallon per week (I doubt this one will happen but i can act like i am trying) 9- Work less and play more!!
Hopefully I can accomplish most of these this year, Justin's goals consisted of working out more and buying a motorcycle and I am sure that he will have no problem doing both of those!