Tuesday, January 27, 2009

1 Year Ago




Do you remember this? It has been 1 year ago today that Kyler was taken to Primary Children's. I know you guys are probably sick of me talking about this, but honestly- I think it has taken me an entire year to get over it. It is amazing how something like this affects you for the rest of your life. I can only imagine if we would have actually lost him. I still have images of him there and I think of all the scary things that happened, almost daily still. I just don't know how people ever get through worse things than this. Ya know, I don't know if I didn't realize how bad things were at the time, or if I didn't want to believe that they were as bad as they were at the time. With kids, I think we all have thought about what we would do if something horrible happened to our kid, and then all of the sudden I found myself right in the middle of it, almost as if I was watching an episode of ER, so detached from the situation. Does that sound cold? Or is it normal? Well I still remember in the ER when they started telling me he was really really sick, and they were going to take him to Primary's. I just kept thinking "well, it is just because he is so little and they want to be careful". Then I start seeing my nurse who has been a nurse for 20 years fumbling over her fingers. And then they tell me, we are going to intubate him (which by the way, I thought that meant sedate him... it doesn't, it means stick a tube down his throat because he can no longer breath on his own) So they say... Do you want to give him a kiss and leave the room. I think that is when I really thought- what is going on? So I leave the room and I start hearing the monitors beep saying that his oxygen levels are plummeting and I am standing there alone in the ER thinking "Is my baby dying..." That is when I felt like I was in ER, but it was a lot more sickening feeling, but still very detached. Kyler gave me many more scares like that. Two more while we were on lifeflight, and the nurses who are the best of the best in babies and babies with RSV look at each other and say "wow, that really got my heart going, he scared me!" and I just look out the window and say- oh wow. Needless to say I think I was in a state of shock for at least the next 2 days. That following tuesday I think I cried for almost two hours that morning after seeing him. The only way I can describe it is he looked like he had been beaten up the night before, he looked horrible. They had changed ventilators and put in his picc line and from what I found out later, they had doctors around his bed the entire night. I think after that I finally let myself start to realize what was going on. I never let myself think that he wasn't going to make it though, it was almost like if I thought it, then it might actually happen. Mom asked one of our nurses after Kyler had been there for two weeks and had a really rough day, she said to him "well he is going to make it, right?" and he just said "We don't know" and walked away. I kind of just brushed it off and said, "well mom- they have to say that" The wierd part is, I think I cried 10 times more after it was over then when it was all happening. I guess if you were a psychologist you could tell me why that is, especially since I am someone that cries over everything. I guess you never know until something like this happens to you though.
I could probably write 20 pages on everything I went through. But I am glad today is Jan 27, 2009 and not 2008. It really does help for me to write about my experiences though, It makes me feel grateful for what I have today and be grateful for miracles in my life.

10 comments:

Rachael said...

We were all nervous at that time--everyone praying for your little one and wondering how you were making it through all of it so well. You were being held in the palm of Heavenly Father's Hand--I don't think you were numb, just strengthened for a time.

Davey said...

i don't think i ever knew how serious it was. I'm so glad that he made it through and will grow up to be a big strong football player that can beat me up some day.

Rochelle said...

Dalan needs another BIG cousin:) We were all very worried and prayed for him almost like he was my own child some nights. We are so happy he made it through, and we love him and your family!!!!! It is amazing how strong we are when we need to be...

justin said...

Geez honey! I get into work and check our blog and see this again, everyone in the office is wondering why I am sniffling over here. All I can say is that the best part of the whole experience is that we learned alot about each other, and our Heavenly Father.

James said...

That was so scary. He is a tough little guy. I like what Rachael said. I think that you were being strengthened during it.

April said...

Wow....im all choked up now. Kyler is one tough cookie. So is his mom.

Rosanne Orgill said...

I can't believe that it has been a year. I am typing through tears. I didn't think that I would cry a year later. Just looking at his little swollen body lying there brings tears to my eyes. I remember thinking how strong you and Justin were at that time. I was so impressed. I think I would've fallen apart. I was so grateful that me and Kerrie could take care of the girls so your minds could be focused on Kyler. I could feel Heavenly Father with you when I was at the hospital and I could feel Heavenly Father with Sydney and Maddy when they were away from you. They needed it. It was hard for them to be away from you and not knowing what was happening with their little baby brother. I am so thankful for prayer and for blessings and for Gods care for us all in times like this. The hospital and nurses and doctors were incredible but I know that they were guided by Gods hands. That is were all the power is. Little Kyler is so cute, is smile melts my heart. You can feel his little spirit. It is true that while you are going through something like that that you are a bit detatched from the reality of it. I think that is the only way to cope. You have to be strong and then you can fall apart later. We all grew and were strengthed by the experience.

Joe said...

Looking back, there were many angels along the way helping people do their job right. I think of that handcart photo of the angels in white helping push the handcarts in the dead of winter. I remember your smile and spirit, and Justin's strength during this, and it reassured me that we would make it through this. Every day the xrays looked better, every day a new goal was reached, till finally your Doc said, let's try him without the tube!! IT WORKED. He will remain our little miracle guy, the rest of his life. Love ya all.

Aubrey said...

We are so glad your family is well and Kyler is here. He is such a fun boy. You guys are amazing for what you went through!

Kristi said...

I am so glad a year has passed. I know how much my heart was aching for you and your family and I had never even met the little guy. You are very strong, you had to be. Here's to a hopefully uneventful 2009!