Do you remember this? It has been 1 year ago today that Kyler was taken to Primary Children's. I know you guys are probably sick of me talking about this, but honestly- I think it has taken me an entire year to get over it. It is amazing how something like this affects you for the rest of your life. I can only imagine if we would have actually lost him. I still have images of him there and I think of all the scary things that happened, almost daily still. I just don't know how people ever get through worse things than this. Ya know, I don't know if I didn't realize how bad things were at the time, or if I didn't want to believe that they were as bad as they were at the time. With kids, I think we all have thought about what we would do if something horrible happened to our kid, and then all of the sudden I found myself right in the middle of it, almost as if I was watching an episode of ER, so detached from the situation. Does that sound cold? Or is it normal? Well I still remember in the ER when they started telling me he was really really sick, and they were going to take him to Primary's. I just kept thinking "well, it is just because he is so little and they want to be careful". Then I start seeing my nurse who has been a nurse for 20 years fumbling over her fingers. And then they tell me, we are going to intubate him (which by the way, I thought that meant sedate him... it doesn't, it means stick a tube down his throat because he can no longer breath on his own) So they say... Do you want to give him a kiss and leave the room. I think that is when I really thought- what is going on? So I leave the room and I start hearing the monitors beep saying that his oxygen levels are plummeting and I am standing there alone in the ER thinking "Is my baby dying..." That is when I felt like I was in ER, but it was a lot more sickening feeling, but still very detached. Kyler gave me many more scares like that. Two more while we were on lifeflight, and the nurses who are the best of the best in babies and babies with RSV look at each other and say "wow, that really got my heart going, he scared me!" and I just look out the window and say- oh wow. Needless to say I think I was in a state of shock for at least the next 2 days. That following tuesday I think I cried for almost two hours that morning after seeing him. The only way I can describe it is he looked like he had been beaten up the night before, he looked horrible. They had changed ventilators and put in his picc line and from what I found out later, they had doctors around his bed the entire night. I think after that I finally let myself start to realize what was going on. I never let myself think that he wasn't going to make it though, it was almost like if I thought it, then it might actually happen. Mom asked one of our nurses after Kyler had been there for two weeks and had a really rough day, she said to him "well he is going to make it, right?" and he just said "We don't know" and walked away. I kind of just brushed it off and said, "well mom- they have to say that" The wierd part is, I think I cried 10 times more after it was over then when it was all happening. I guess if you were a psychologist you could tell me why that is, especially since I am someone that cries over everything. I guess you never know until something like this happens to you though. I could probably write 20 pages on everything I went through. But I am glad today is Jan 27, 2009 and not 2008. It really does help for me to write about my experiences though, It makes me feel grateful for what I have today and be grateful for miracles in my life.